What is ‘normal’? How age impacts behaviors.
Every parent hopes that their child will refrain from tantrums or throwing objects; however, it is important to consider if this is realistic based on age.
For children up to around the age of five, including neurotypical children, experiencing approximately one tantrum per day is considered typical. Neurodivergent children of the same age may have several tantrums or an average of one tantrum per day. Therefore, expecting these children to have zero tantrums on a consistent basis is unrealistic, particularly over extended periods. This can be especially challenging for first-time or only parents who may not have prior experiences to reference when looking at what might be ‘normal’.
If you are struggling with your child's crying or throwing, it is essential to recognize that some behaviors are age-appropriate and to be expected while others should be targeted for decrease. Children up to about three years old may exhibit instances of aggressive behavior daily, and even neurotypical children may bite until they reach a certain age. If a child's behavior poses a risk to themselves or others or exceeds what is considered age-appropriate, it is advisable to seek additional support to ensure their safety and provide alternative strategies to meet their needs.
It is important to recognize that certain behaviors are a natural part of development for all children, including neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals. These may include difficulties in articulating needs, displaying egocentrism, exploring their environment, learning social interactions, expressing strong emotions, and navigating changes in routine, such as visits from family members. Additionally, they may not fully understand the nuances of interactions, such as an accidental fall. As such, it is crucial to approach the growth of neurodivergent children with the understanding that they, like their peers, are not expected to be perfect, especially when their same-age counterparts are also navigating similar developmental challenges.
It is essential for parents and caregivers to approach their roles with empathy and understanding. It is important to recognize that challenges will arise, and there is no reason for parents to feel ashamed when they do. Our goal is to encourage all children, both neurotypical and neurodivergent, to explore their environment safely, which also encompasses their emotional regulation and support. By gaining a clear understanding of age-appropriate expectations, you can effectively advocate for your child and their best interests.
The same also applies at school. If you are observing in a classroom, I encourage you to take note of the behaviors of other students as well. It is likely that many are exhibiting similar fidgeting or moments of disengagement. Although some children, such as the girls, may initially sit with better posture, as circle time progresses, it is typical for all students to begin to fidget. Additionally, a child who appears to be sitting perfectly still may simply be distracted by their surroundings, such as the movement of the second hand on a clock or an art project swaying due to air from a heater.
It is crucial to understand the reasons behind a child's restlessness or specific behaviors before attempting to intervene. Research indicates that some children and adults, particularly those with ADHD, may actually benefit from movement or stimulation to enhance their focus. I have observed numerous children who may appear disengaged yet are, in fact, actively listening and responding appropriately while moving around the classroom or relaxing on the floor.
Moreover, many adults exhibit various forms of "fidgeting" or self-stimulatory behaviors to maintain concentration. Examples include tapping a pencil, bouncing a leg, dancing at stoplights, pacing during phone calls, listening to music, or chewing gum. These behaviors can be considered productive forms of engagement. If adults can enhance their work performance through such activities, it stands to reason that children should also have the opportunity to incorporate fidgeting or self-stimulatory behaviors in their learning processes if these actions help them feel comfortable and focused. It is essential to advocate for your child's unique learning needs rather than conforming strictly to societal expectations.
The school may address your child's fidgeting, wiggling, or other behaviors that may be distracting to their peers. If these behaviors are particularly pronounced or pose safety concerns, it is advisable to collaborate with the school team to explore suitable accommodations that address these needs. For instance, if your child is lying down on classmates during carpet time, consider discussing the possibility of providing back support or an item for them to lean against, as well as exploring flexible seating options with the teacher that could benefit all students.
It is important to apply the same understanding to pre-teens and teenagers in order to respect their developing autonomy. It is typical for adolescents to seek more time with friends, desire additional sleep, maintain less organized personal spaces, exhibit mood swings, display increased interest in devices or video games, and refrain from sharing every aspect of their lives with their parents. Even if a pre-teen or teen appears younger than their age, they are still experiencing the physical and hormonal changes associated with adolescence, regardless of their neurotype. Recognizing that these behaviors are not necessarily a personal affront or even an indication of regression. However, if a young person exhibits harmful behaviors towards themselves or others, or demonstrates extreme variations of these behaviors—such as social withdrawal, refusal to leave their room, destructive actions during transitions from technology, or self-harm—it is crucial to seek professional guidance promptly for appropriate support.
The field of ABA is beginning to adopt more progressive approaches, although there is still significant progress to be made. If your Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) or another service provider recommends goals that are more restrictive or intensive than those typical for peers of the same age, or if they propose punishment procedures, it is essential to engage in a conversation with them before consenting to implementation. Inquire about the rationale behind their recommendations, and request supporting references if necessary. It is crucial to ensure that they are providing trauma-informed care and affirming neurodiversity while acting in the best interest of your child. Such choices and oversights have occurred in ABA services, and it is vital to listen to the experiences of individuals who have undergone ABA to identify how we can improve our practices for the populations we serve.